Is Anybody Here?

collage by scrappyboy at Scrapiteria.


Groundlessness has created challenges for me expressing myself. I have lost any sense of certainty and knowing since being on my trip to Ohio. I am usually hesitant to communicate what is going on for fear that I cannot be cohesive in my expression. This came out today in response to a friends comments on embracing our fear:


I consciously embraced my fear of disintegrating this morning in my meditation and felt this in-flow of energy and power. Now I'm in my day and am not sure what lasting effect that is having, but I do feel a groundedness and empowerment that wasn't there yesterday.

I had a inner freak-out yesterday, stimulated by my reading about spiritual flight. This is the tendency to circumnavigate around our fears into a sense of spiritual living with renunciation as the foundation. The renunciation is driven by our fear of living fully in the world and accepting our imperfection. I panicked for fear that I had once more created a delusion of my sense of purpose and was avoiding life out of my sense of being too good for that.

This morning I read from my other book "Witness to the Fire" about the experience of the abyss and the importance of surrendering to it in order that the creative inspiration may come. I realized, I am not avoiding and living in spiritual flight but am accepting my place in the abyss, with all it chaos and groundlessness. I am feeling separate from the "normal" world, not because I am avoiding, but because I have broken through the delusion of safety in a well managed life, into the darkness and threat of the unknown disintegrating "ego".

I went to dance last night and we literally danced our prayers. Our teacher was back and she asked us to write a question on paper and then to carry that question into our dance and let our bodies answer. My question was "How do I know that I'm moving forward and doing the "right" thing?" My answer was my body will tell me. When I am in the flow, I am fully in my body and energized. Dancing with life, it you will. I know the feeling, I've experienced it before. My head wants to "understand", my body knows.