Karl Rove Summoned Back to Hell

By Robert Friedman from The Specious Report


Karl Rove, chief political strategist and aide to President Bush, has been summoned back to Hell and will be leaving his White House post at the end of August.

Explained White House spokesperson Tony Snow, "It goes without saying that Karl will be sorely missed around here. However, nobody at the White House is surprised by this turn of events. As Satan's minions, we're basically on 24-hour call. You never know when that beeper will go off. Still, our loss will be Hell's gain. If anyone belongs in Hell, it's my friend Karl."

Some current residents of Hell disagreed. "I'm not sure this is such a great idea," said one demon. "I put up with enough nonsense the last time Rove was in residence down here. He launched a smear campaign about me that I still haven't lived down. The bastard convinced everyone that I'm pure of heart and gentle of spirit, just like he did with Bush. You know - a compassionate conservative. Can you imagine? I was almost rendered to heaven, where I'm sure they would have used enhanced interrogation techniques to debrief and brainwash me. If you ask me, having Karl Rove in this neighborhood will lower the property values for everyone."

But Rove also has some strong advocates in Hell. Stated one anonymous denizen of the fiery depths, "Karl Rove was sent to earth to help start preemptive wars, shamelessly manipulate public opinion through fear and divisiveness, and create unfathomable pain all around. In other words, he's my kind of guy. I can't wait to meet him."

Former President Richard Nixon offered strong support for Rove. "I've been waiting for Karl to show up," said Nixon. "Frankly, I can use his help. I've run two failed campaigns and have yet to take over leadership of this place. With Karl running the dirty tricks department - a craft that he learned from my administration, by the way - we can't miss."

When contacted on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton expressed wistfulness about Rove's return to Hell. "It's a shame, really," she said. "Here I was, all ready to respond with a rapid, effective counterpunch whenever Karl attacked me. It would have helped me look tough and decisive. Now what do I do? It's not like I can prove what a strong leader I am by invading a country for no reason, the way that George Bush did."

Vice President Cheney was saddened by Rove's departure, but pleased by his destination. "Am I going to miss the guy? Sure. Of course. We worked hard together to ignore the Constitution and rule with an iron fist. Plus, we had a hell of a good time along the way lying to everyone about everything at every opportunity. But I'm proud of Karl for taking that big step into Hell. With any luck, I'll be meeting him there soon."

Some Republicans seemed pleased by Rove's departure. "Look," summed up one White House adviser, "Karl Rove was hurting the party by drawing too much attention to our heartless, amoral political philosophy. Of course we don’t care about anyone or anything but ourselves and our rich friends, but nobody is supposed to guess that's the case. Our goal is to pretend that we represent the interests of average Americans while robbing them blind. Unfortunately, Karl's attitude made it all way too clear. Now that he's out of the picture, maybe we can focus on our core values the way that we did in the past - quietly."