I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm trying to transcend my compulsions, I'm trying to follow higher spiritual guidance and direction. I'm trying to open up and be genuine and present. I'm trying to connect with people and the world.
Last night I found myself back at that place of wondering what I am doing and why. I felt all alone. I thought of calling one of the three people that I know and trust would understand why I was calling them and why. I was feeling helpless and leaning towards hopeless.
Instead, I prayed and asked for direction. I asked to be given clear evidence that God is working in my life and guiding me. I was in a state of doubt. Doubting the reality of my spiritual experiences. I was wondering if they were true or delusions. The mind is powerful. How do I discern between reality and delusion? The easy way out for "normal" people seems to be to not question, do what is the "normal" thing to do, live life within the accepted, status quo boundaries, and enjoy some sense of entranced peace. That is impossible for me. I have a compulsive drive for truth and enlightenment that doesn't give me peace. At the same time I have been a lazy, self seeking, pleasure driven being. These two drives obviously are in conflict and create turmoil and pain. Pain for myself and those who love me. I envy the person who is driven toward enlightenment and disciplines himself and accepts the sacrifices, and steadily progresses. I am not that way. I am an alcoholic. I am compelled to seek the easier softer way. My most successful means of motivation is pain and despair. I can't imagine anyone knowing that and wanting to live too close to me. There might be a masochist somewhere who would be drawn to that. Or better yet, maybe there is someone spiritually evolved to the point that they can love me and be close to me without being drawn into my chaos.
I just know that I don't know where I am going, but I do know that I am making progress. I know that I am lonely, but developing a relationship with myself and with God that is true and at the core of my purpose. I pray for the patience and strength to stay on the path and to be able to be of service to those who suffer.
Peace, Alan
No comments:
Post a Comment