How can I be with the ones I love when I can't even be with myself. I have been living in delusion and isolation for so long that it looks like love and relationship to me. I am in the process of healing from a lifetime of self-centeredness and deceit. I used alcohol, drugs, sex, work, music, video, games all to try to make me feel O.K. and accept the delusion of this wonderful, compassionate person that I saw myself as. That was my intention but my actions were contrary. I have so many that I have loved and longed to be close too, but I was afraid. Afraid of not being wanted. Afraid of not being the best. Afraid of being truly responsable. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of being right. Afraid of committing to a relationship. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of being needed. Afraid of being abandoned. Afraid of dying.
If you believe you have any real power, try keeping yourself from dying. Most of my life I ignored death. It was something way off in the future. Something that could happen at any time, but more than likely would be forty or more years away. Forty years seemed like an eternity. I'm 57 now and forty more years is a long shot statistically.
While having the altruistic intention of giving my life's work to the betterment of the human condition, my actions and personal, self-centered intent was to enjoy life, work the least and seek pleasure. I presented the altruist to the public and to those closest to me and even to myself, as the adorable, cute, kind, loving person that I wanted to be and I wanted you to believe I was. While behind it all, I was always chasing my next fix. People closest to me still don't believe it and try to convince me it isn't so.
So I find myself trying to revitalize my relationship with my lover and soul mate. I so want this to go away and let us fall into our love. But I am still that person. I still try my best to keep all who threaten my isolation away. I am cursed with an insight into the human condition that allows me to see you, but yet I am blind to myself. Blinded by the obsession to not be here on this earth; to take my consciousness and will somewhere else. Anywhere sensational, but not here in this pain.
That is what pulls me to the darkness. But by God's grace and mercy I am being drawn into the light. I am being led to my true nature. I am not able to tell what is true in me. I can only pray and watch for the signs and follow them. I am trying to let myself be seen, in all my confusion and fear, praying for the help I need to survive another day. I must let go of the past. But to do that I am told I must clean up the wreckage of my past. I've been given 12 simple steps to that end. I am told that it requires my honesty. But I can't be honest when I am blind to the reality of my existence. I can only pray to be shown. I can only pray for honesty. I can only pray to persevere. I can only pray for love.
Peace,
Alan
No comments:
Post a Comment