Isn't Drunkeness Cute?

Drunk Will Show You, Everybody
April 19, 2006 Issue 42•16 (satire from The Onion)

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday.

"You people don't know [what] the fuck you're talking about," Stenerud announced from his stool at Dan's Pub. "You think I can't? Know what? I'll show you. I'll show everybody."

Stenerud, who is frequently drunk, added that if those assembled were opposed to his announcement, they could kiss his "big red baboon ass."

Although Stenerud did not specify what he intended to show, he addressed a number of issues in detail, including the lack of credit he is given "day in and day goddamn out," his endless payment of dues "day after day after day," and a general sentiment of not giving a fuck today or any other fucking day.

"Look, there's me," Stenerud said, pointing out his reflection cast in the bar-length mirror. "That's the guy that's going to kick all of your asses."

Bartender Hope Krzysch said that Stenerud, a regular patron, was served eight bottles of Miller Genuine Draft and six shots of Jim Beam in the four hours prior to making his remarks.

In a statement typified by earnest, strongly worded proclamations, one of Stenerud's most impassioned comments was that the occasion marked the very first time that he had ever spoken the truth to anyone.

"It's all clear to me now. I can see right through you sons of bitches. Too bad you're not me right now. That's just too fucking bad for you."

The announcement was cut short when Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" played over the bar's jukebox, prompting Stenerud to remark, "I love this tune," close his eyes, and silently mouth the lyrics for the duration of the song.

Patrons at the bar reflected on Stenerud's charges of shit-talking. "I don't know the guy," Web designer Steve Dreyfuss said. "But I hope he eventually shows everybody. I wish him well."

Stenerud, known in the area for inebriated, forceful announcements, has in the past shown everyone his ability to lift a table over his head, remove a hard-boiled egg from a glass without touching the glass, and construct a tiny man from a paper match. Still, observers said it was unlikely that these actions were what Stenerud was determined to show Monday.


Though he focused on showing everyone, Stenerud also demanded to know what the fuck everyone was laughing at.

"You think that's funny?" he asked on one of the few occasions he rose to his feet. "I'll show you what's funny. Come on."

After a series of alternatingly aggressive and inquisitive gestures, Stenerud nearly toppled to the ground, narrowly avoiding striking his head on a footrest.

Semiregular Dan's Pub patron and die-cutter Ed Sieves tried to assure Stenerud that nobody was laughing, and, after a brief staredown, the walleyed Stenerud embraced Sieves in an emotional bear hug.

"This guy's like a brother. He's a good fuckin' man," Stenerud said, attempting to lift Sieves off the ground. "You're the best friend a guy could have. No. No. No. No. I mean it. There's nobody I'd rather want to spend time with than all you fuckers. You guys. You guys. I fuckin'."

Stenerud then asked, "Did you see me pick him up?"

After two minutes of a silence described by witnesses as "sullen," Stenerud announced that he had one last fucking thing to tell the audience.

"You'd think? Fuckin'. I want to go call my ex-wife," Stenerud said, apparently concluding the speech.

Stenerud is expected to return to Dan's Pub on Friday, but it is unknown whether he will show anyone anything else at that time.

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