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Experts Go On Strike
Work Action Could Last Months, Non-experts Say
(Satire From The Borowitz Report)

In an unprecedented labor action that could directly impact American journalists’ access to space-filling quotations, America’s experts went on strike today, seeking payment and benefits for their oft-quoted remarks.

For decades, journalists who have been up against deadlines with many column inches to fill have called upon experts at colleges, universities and think-tanks in the hopes that the loquacious sages would spew forth much-needed verbiage.

In exchange, the experts have asked little more than that the journalists spell their names correctly – but all that is about to change, the striking experts hope.

At a massive rally of disgruntled experts at the University of Minnesota, Professor Davis Logsdon, a leading expert and the president of the United Experts Union, fired up the crowd of irate know-it-alls.

“As experts, the time has come for us to stand together and refuse to give away our opinions for free,” Professor Logsdon said. “And a recent study shows that ninety-eight percent of you agree with me.”

Tracy Klujian, one of two dozen or so non-experts who crossed picket lines at the University of Minnesota to work as so-called “replacement experts” for the duration of the strike, said he had “no idea” how long the work stoppage could last.

“Maybe it could go on for months,” he said. “But I don’t know much about labor unions and stuff, so you’re really asking the wrong guy.”

Elsewhere, in an appearance before the Senate Armed Services Committee, Admiral J. Fallon said it was time for the U.S. to redefine its goals in Iraq to something more realistic, such as “chaos.”