Where Am I Hiding?

I have been hiding from you and others since somewhere around three to five years old. That is when I concluded that no one was really interested in seeing my inner being. I thought that I was too different and too weird for my parents or anyone else to be interested. I decided that I would therefore take care of myself, that I needed no one else and that no one would understand anyway. Sadly, I have spent a whole lifetime resenting people for there lack of interest in who I really am, when it was me who made the decision not to let them see.

As a result of this consciousness, I also lost sight of myself. I depended on others, who couldn't see me anyway, to tell me who I was. A pretty self defeating and self destructive cycle.

I am now attempting to find myself, bring myself out for the world to see and letting the chips fall where they may. I am doing this using a variety of processes. First, through prayer and meditation, asking to be shown the truth, to have the delusions stripped from me and to have the strength and courage to express who I am and to strive to be of optimum service to the World.

Second, as a result of my prayer and meditation, I am striving to express creatively my inner-most self. I seem to be moving toward performance art again. I am taking jazz dance, I will be getting back in touch with my "clown", Sir Jello and I will be brushing up my improvisational theater skills in a weekly workshop. I am expressing myself visually for the first time with photography and collage.

I am sharing today an inner exploration collage that I just completed. The blogger is not letting me upload this into this post, so it is the seperste post above. I have been struggling with understanding and coming to terms with my own femininity. Being of an addictive, compulsive and obsessive mind, this has taken me to some pretty chaotic and dark places. Society, driven by the fears and phobias of male "heterosexuals" seeks to classify, separate and sexualize male sensitivity and vulnerability. I have been very good at playing the game of the rugged, competitive, controlling and dominating white male. The problem is, the characters I had to play to succeed were far removed from the true, fluid, loving, sensual, sensitive, nurturing human being that I am.

So I am letting that soft, receptive, submissive, sensitive, playful, curious and sensual me find the light. I am letting myself express my femininity in my actions, appearance and words. Society, as I mentioned, wants to sexualize that; wants me to choose a classification, i.e. homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. I am none of these. I am a sexual human being. I seek to engage with all living beings in as complete, intimate, honest and vulnerable way as possible. I am a long way from being healthy and consciously expressing this part of me, but I am making progress. I refuse to be classified by a dominate class which, however unconsciously, seeks to divide and conquer all who differ from their world view.

This collage is a personal expression of my search. It is not intended to be an aesthetic work, but an expression of the images that are alive in me as I create it. I have shared my collages with my therapist and therapy group. He asks me to share what I see in it. He then asks the others in the group to answer the question: "If this were mine I see..............". It is pretty incredible to hear what others see. I begin to hear the universality of many of our fears, questions, goals and hopes. You might try this with some friends. If you can expand this image, to see it more clearly, share with each other: "If this were my collage I see...........". If you do, I ask you to share in the comments some of your experiences.

Peace, Alan