Where's my voice? I know I left it somewhere around here.

The above picture is from PostSecret.


It's a new year and "whew" I made it through my second straight clean and sober holiday season. That is the time of year that my quantities of consumption reached it's zenith. That's a cute way of saying I got good and fucked up during the holidays. One thing I could not say no too, was free booze and there usually was plenty of that around the holidays.

In order to have some degree of comfort I shut down much of my emotions during this time. I have a tendency towards depression in the dark of Winter anyway. All of the Christmas hub-bub magnifies my sense of not fitting in. If I let it that sense can lead to high anxiety, which can lead to isolation and depression. So my defense system leads me to isolate and relax and accept that this Christmas anyway I'm not fitting in. The times I was together with family and friends were quite pleasant and I'm so happy for my kids who are here. Even though I was kinda numb, I think I was more present than in Christmases past.

I usually had at least a marijuana cushion around me. Being free from drugs and alcohol is a blessing and it's wonderful to have a constant clarity, and to be slowly learning how to think of others more and myself less. It's a challenge to accept and be with my feelings after all these years of escaping and numbing them. I have a thousand and one less invasive ways to fix and avoid that I'm becoming more aware of. But I'm making progress. Two years ago tonight was the last time I drank alcohol and for that I am grateful. I'm also grateful for those who love me and believe in me. I know it is tough for you emotionally. I hope that will change someday soon, but the facts are we're stuck with who I am. I can no longer consciously put on a front. One of my greatest fears is that I will put on a front, out of fear and complacency, and it will kill me or others. I pray to be freed from this prison of my self.

Peace, Alan